To be honest, many times this year, I didn't think I could survive it. I thought of joining Club 27, just like that. So this post, I'm going to share a little about my life turbulence and revelations (who knows it would give you a few little tips) of how I see about life, job, dream, reality, and finally going to see a psychologist for help and even trying KonMari method for decluttering some shits in my life (and my bedroom).

When I was writing this post, I remember I read Sophia Bush once said in her interview with CosmoGirl a few years back regarding her divorce after three to six-month-old marriage, “Life throws a curveball at you and you go where it takes you.” The line actually has been in my memory ever since I read it and it sums up my life over these years quite well, not just 2017.

And when I turned 22, a friend congratulated me a usual ‘happy birthday’, but followed with an unusual line, “now that you’re 22, brace yourself, life will give you more pebbles to step on”. I took it as a curse.

She was right.

So here you go, my share about what had happened.

Bookshelf relayout

Well, I'm not blogging for some time until today, this morning to be exact, I got revelation!

... what happens in my bedroom, stays in my bedroom...

I was talking to my friend who is also booklover about out current reads at the time. She said she was reading Ika Natassa's Critical Eleven. I said to her, oh it's on my next target to buy, but not now....



I wasn't a fan of Ika Natassa, although I admit I love her writing style and her signature wordplay. So I didn't buy any of her book right away when it was released. But I told my friend, about how I love her short story in Autumn Once More. I can't remember the title, but it was such a nice short story. I love all of the short stories in it.

My friend... hasn't read anything in it, then asked me of what short story she made as all she knew, Ika Natassa never wrote one. "She did," I said. I told her in brief of how the story was...

"Wait! I think it's kind the same with the one I'm reading now, Critical Eleven. But it's a novel."

Ahh, she turned it into a novel. Worth one to elaborate more.

I don't follow her Twitter. Some of my friends said almost the same thing, that she gave lots of teasers there about this book, boosting the promotion prior to its release. She made it greatly.

However, after she told me that it's actually the same story... I bought it right away. I wanna know how Ale and Anya's story after they're getting apart at the airport.

In Autumn Once More, they met without a purpose but Ale for going back to rig for work, and Anya to travel. It's how the two characters were being put into turbulence of questions on their next stop in life during their flight. They got what they weren't expecting to come so soon: a spark of love.

Another question left in their minds before being apart: should they pursue it?

The answer was found in the novel form with the same name of the short story, Critical Eleven.

I was thinking it might be about how they search for each other and struggle the different timezones and all that, but not really. Ika Natassa surprised me with the plot twist, they're in separation after being married for some years. Then, we were led to the 'HOW IT HAPPENED'.

If you read reviews on Goodreads, you can see some reviewers saying, the character was so cold... the author did lack of research... and many details should be mentioned but they weren't. It all regarding around the 'HOW IT HAPPENED' became the root of the problems of the split.

Yes, it is quite upsetting for putting pregnancy (fail or not fail) to women only.

Yes, it is not sensitive for a guy to deal with brokenhearted mother with blaming 'what if'.

However, it is surprising on 'HOW IT ENDED'. Like seriously, you think another kid/baby can replace one that has gone? It is way more insensitive. One reviewer also complained about it.

But the more I think about it, I think Ika Natassa isn't trying to say that the second pregnancy was to replace the failed pregnancy, but as the form of second chance for both character to rebuild their life together.

Well, it was purely love story, with another 'hitting rock bottom' plot and how they overcome the situation. It was nicely written, very urban kind of feels, but plain. You might be wow-ed on awesome life Anya and Ale had, but not for the core of their love story.

So, I don't know whether I need to watch it. But I can tell you, I really like reading it, even though not a big fan of such kind of story. I was about to watch it premiere but the pre-sale tickets was sold out very quickly. Till now, I haven't watched it.

I remember I read the beginning prologue by Paulo Coelho in Eleven Minutes, where he met a guy who said to him that his books made him dream. Agree to that. Well...

It's been years since high school where I first read Paulo Coelho books. The first one was The Alchemist. Yes, the book gave more sort of hope in my despair and a motivation to find joy in reading (more of his) books. At the time, as a young bookworm, I felt gaining more peace and wisdom as I read Coelho's writings. Anyhow, with the current situation I'm having lately, those pledge in my heart fell off.


I'm back to be... another stressed out estranged dark person, trying to say hi to people with positive energy yet can't help with my own sadness.

No books have made me feel better for a long term. All has been short term.

When I heard that Paulo Coelho would publish another book, I was like... umm, okay. His latest works, The Aleph and Adultery were just ok. I loved them. But it's just ok. Maybe I wasn't just in the mood for such stories. It might another phase as a bookworm. Dark clouds have controlled all over me. Fine. Could be, no?

The situation changed when I knew the book is about Mata Hari. The alleged spy from the World War I. How cool, I thought.

So, when there was a pre-order from Periplus, I surely went for it! Again, every pre-order I make with Periplus, it makes me feel awesome. 

Then I felt the sparks of long-lost excitement just like when I had in high school years, my first years with Paulo Coelho's books. I really can't describe how it was like, but it becomes a good motivation for me to get things done fast and right so I can have special time with it.

After reading about Mata Hari on the internet, I was hoping to get something more on The Spy. Certainly, her life as an Erotic Dancer that became an international sensation for art and visual pleasure wasn't ordinary. Even more, she was executed... because she was considered a spy.

Margaretha Zelle was born a Dutch. She married after finding an ad about a Dutch soldier stationed in Indonesia (Dutch East Indies) looking for a wife which turned out made by her former husband's colleagues. According to the book, she was molested by her school principal just like many of her classmates. Due to this misfortune, her husband became violent towards her.

This is where I remember Jesse Eisenberg's line in Cafe Society, life is a comedy, written by a sadistic comedy writer. 

After giving giving birth to two children that one didn't survive, she witnessed a wife of another soldier who was captivated by her, committed suicide. She thought people might think if she killed that woman or whatsoever. The next day, she insisted to go back to Netherlands.

Once she got back with all the family drama, she decided to escape and create a new self. Named her self Mata Hari, without nothing, crossing the borders to France. Then, she did everything she could to survive---impress French elites with her made-up exotic and erotic Asian dance.

The fame didn't last long in glory as critics started to give negative reviews after piles of positives thrown to her once in the beginning of her debut. Imitators were following her steps and taking over her spotlight. Well, c'est la vie, huh? So, things were getting harder, although she survived by being a free woman... a mistress of high-rank government and army people.

It was almost all smooth for her, before the war burst out and the proposition came to her for being a spy for France and Germany. Yes, both.

What I learned from the book is that Mata Hari is so much different from the writings I found on the internet. Paulo Coelho wrote her as a victim turned a survivor, yet still naive and clueless. Well, she was indeed a charmer and had the capability to manipulate men. It's just she didn't learn her lesson.

Because all connections she made went nothing when she was caught in deep shit.

Her country, The Netherlands, preferred to stay neutral during the WW I. Ignoring their citizen's life who was at stake. Somehow, it was pretty unlucky, another unlucky fate she had, as she was actually trapped by her own spy game---a game where she never played her role as a spy!

I love how Paulo Coelho brought Margaretha Zelle's version of more humane, less cocky and simply unfortunate person who tried her best to fight for freedom (as a woman, as a human being). But some of the facts were different from the news you can find on the internet. However, I was expecting more deep research to be written here, which now after reading the book doesn't give me anything 'wow' moment, but confusions: which one is real?

Plus, I didn't find anything I've read before (from the internet) in the book, or maybe it's just rumour.

At the first pages, it opened by the day of her execution. The aging Mata Hari who refused to wear blindfold while facing her death given by the firing squads. It tricked me to think she was a Great kind of character.

Yes she was, but not that 'Great'. But I agree, she's really iconic, I can tell.

Even so, I know that Paulo Coelho dig more into her feminism power of becoming her own true self, by gaining control of her life after a messed up marriage.

But still, reading The Spy has very much different take out, unlike when I read The Alchemist or Veronica Decides to Die long time ago. This is just... plain. Maybe I have read so much about Mata Hari before I skipped these pages of The Spy. Maybe I was over-exposed of how media portrayed this woman as a failed and arrogant spy.

I can't lie that I was actually expecting her story when she was in Indonesia. Turned out, it was a crazy brief part of her life, but not much to tell despite she actually learned a lot of things I never thought foreigners might learn from Indonesians.

Well, if you haven't heard about Mata Hari, you might be a little surprised and wow-ed by her fight for life. It's a bit drama twisted plot, but still enjoyable, page-turner, and easy-reading.

Here comes the end of the year...

...where it's time for us to be nice (and naughty, too, it's okay) and make a wishlist for Secret Santa with BBI fellows.

It is hard to tell you how much I love 1984 by George Orwell. It has been one of my top list recommended books I will share to fellow bookworms. I'm not solely into dystopian even though I'm feeling like living in one.

On the other hand, I love Kristen Stewart's movies (Twilight series are my least favorable, though). I heard about her upcoming film, 'Equals' would be something like 1984. Of course, I wouldn't miss it!

A friend came up with sudden notice, luckily, work was... oookay, I can tell. So a few days ago, the film started occupying my head, with the song of 'The Feeling' by Justin Bieber and Halsey also stuck in my head for days and I kept singing and singing in heart.

So, what about it?
Aside that I found Nicholas Hoult was so damn cute, I found something that has been missing for so long---the feeling, itself.

[Spoiler alert, guys]

Silas (Nicholas Hoult) is an illustrator at Atmos, set in an unknown country affected by war in previous years. At first, we will be dragged into his boring life for quite long moment. Flat yet I think the director is trying to adjust our mind into the feel of dystopian life, when everything is controlled (by The Collective) and the citizen has nothing to do but work, eat and solve same old high tech puzzles every night before bed.

This romance science fiction movie brings room models in Ikea catalogue into life. Space effective and everyone dresses in one tone with same models every day. Yeah, life can be easy this way, though.

Here.... emotion, touches, love are forbidden. The citizen work and live their lives like a machine. They call those things are symptoms of an epidemic called 'Switched On Syndrome' or simply, SOS. The Collective, the leaders, are informing about the disease quite well enough, like on train and big screen in public. It is progressing from Stage 1 to Stage 4, where the person contracted with last stage of SOS will be taken to Defective Emotion Neuropathy facility, or the DEN.

As every character has empty mind and heart, we hear and feel silence from scene to scene. When Silas finally realizes that he is attracted to Nia (Kristen Stewart), you'll start to hear a melody---a plain yet stronger music score which plays a meaningful role in flat depiction... and sparks of colors between them.

After battling for what he has for Nia, he knows that Nia is giving him a clue to follow her into the bathroom where they start to explore each other, introducing themselves with feelings that caused by touches and energy from their emotional encounter. There, both of them develop deeper and complicated feelings for each other---getting into a phase called 'love' turning into the same black shadow inside the bathroom cubicle, two same equal human beings fight for their passion. To obtain this small freedom, they make effort every afterwork time to meet and talk, accepting that the two are SOS positive and embracing it.

One night, they are caught by the manager and decide to go separate ways to avoid death in DEN. Silas moves away from Atmos and gets another job. But Nia cannot take it lightly as she's drown lost and has difficulty to do her job. Then, she just appeared in Silas' apartment where they finally back together again.

When they become 'hiders' for hiding their love life, it was gotten into me, something that we've been lost or taken for granted---energy, connection and chemistry which were brought nicely in the scene. Those things make Silas and Nia much different than the other empty (read: dead soul) citizens (and me). At this point, I was reminded of what makes us human... the feeling inside us that we spark to people around us... the most basic element that makes us (feel) alive.

And yes, we are reminded that we are human, no matter what, created as a social creature where we'd always be in need of someone else. But far more than that, it is how far those feelings can take you and change you, bring you forward.

In this dystopian film, the love sparks between the two are marked by the colorful spectrum and loud pop rock sounds that vibrate the whole unspoken aspects that are considered forbidden in that sort of world. As if saying, those humane elements are actually simple yet very meaningful.

One day, The Collective announced that the cure which was said 'just around the corner' has finally been found. Of course, Nia and Silas don't want to recover. It is not death they are scared the most... but living without each other and the feeling are becoming the most fearful. The love that fills one's soul can fight against the misery of emptiness.

Equals the Movie takes me back to think of what makes a human human. Cracking down all the elements and put a question, "when we lost our capability to feel, would memory help us to remember and to regain what has been missing?"

The ending is predictable though, with a touch of Romeo-and-Juliet-alike with a twist of hope. Both suffer and try their best to maintain their future. Dragging me into a deeper thought that love MIGHT deserve a second try if it's equal.

I went home, energized and super happy... touched by the film. As it's been a while I'm turning into someone different, and that evening I was reminded of what I need to retrieve in me in order to feel alive in a better way.

Equals makes more futuristic 1984 world more real. Something that we all need to be worry about. As things are seemed to be obvious that we're heading there. Horribly, we're turning worse than we are now. Working everyday without knowing what it is for... no purpose, no soul. Our rights to be simply human is lost and taken from us. It's just complicated.

Well, if you haven't watched the film, here's the trailer. Get the DVD if you wish =) Coz I want to get one for myself.