It was the travel I needed most. The tickets were booked months prior and I was surely impulsive when I decided to go. Bangkok, it is. 

My last visit to Bangkok was right before the pandemic. In December 2019, I was just onboard a new firm, headquartered in Bangkok. I went there for the summit, meeting everyone from (almost) across SEA region. I was happy. Everybody was nice. Yet, there was always something and someone that bothered you and spoiled the fun. But overall, I was super happy. The city and the people (including my colleagues in Thailand, Myanmar, and Vietnam) were very nice. They left such a good impression that I couldn't wait to go back to Bangkok again.

And the pandemic happened. 

And, here I was in February 2023. Bangkok! A short trip after such turbulence in life. I only wanted to have quality talks and other than that... I just wanted to be alone.

I remembered having a night stroll like any other trip I had, in the foreign streets of Bangkok back in 2019, hoping to get into any market, buy local spices to bring home, and take some street pictures. I didn't find much but it was a beautiful and adventurous stroll. Fearful but rewarding.

On my visit in February 2023, I managed to have an accidental stroll in the afternoon after a long day exploring the cities and searching for Michelin places and Erawan Museum. It was Books & Belongings that made me find the maze of calm Soi Sukhumvit 95.

But snort not, maybe you won't find anything to do, to eat or anything. It's just a complex of housing, with Books & Belongings in the middle of it. Well, yes, like I have shared in the previous post, you might find some home grocery shops, homemade snacks sold in front of the house, etc. Quite a random scene that made me think... it might be only locals who know this place and who actually are the customers of those home shops?

I really want to try their snacks and have a chat but sadly I didn't have much time left to be in the area as I had to move on to another schedule. Well, seeing those houses and shophouses with their serenity enlivened, opened up another side of the city to me. Yes, I felt like a local like I always want myself to feel. 

Nevertheless, the stare of the habitants when they spotted me, the stranger, the foreigner, reminded me that I am not one of them.

My soul and the energy I gathered while I was strolling in the middle of the area then become halved into another kind of self-awareness that kept my strong façade stayed bold and thick, yet its safe vibe signaled my trust to slow down and look deeper through what has been shown to me.

There's openness and boundaries set among these houses and the people inside---something I couldn't explain.

Thus, the calmness allows me to feel a massive amount of different feelings and room for my thoughts.

I have always been thinking and rethinking about my life choices. Being alone, traveling alone, going out alone, having lunch alone, shopping alone. And the loneliness set me in a free mode of expressing myself in the most convenient ways. Yet, I cannot lie anymore that sometimes I yearn for warmth from the people surrounding me. I want people to be with me, to flock around me with surprises and support.

Candid Looks of Soi Sukhumvit 95

The moment takes me to take a deep look at myself, on how I put myself on others. And how I want to change things forward. 

The deeper it takes me... it leads me into branching thoughts about the mystery of the universe and re-learning what is happening in my life, cracking the answer. I can't help but ask myself, why am I always at the intersection of inconvenient choices?

Geng pertama yang akan gue ceritakan di blogpost kali ini adalah gue dan tiga orang teman perempuan. Awalnya gue dekat dengan si A karena kita satu kelas after-school bareng. But she's a kind of goody-goody girl whose aim is to get popular like a princess dengan mengandalkan katrol dari teman lain yang popular walau sifatnya notorious. Lalu, adalah lagi datang dua orang perempuan yang sudah lebih lama sahabatan, gabung sama kita.

Mostly, sebut saja si B dan si C, karakternya sama dengan si A. Sementara gue bingung sih sekarang kalau ditilik kembali, coz I'm not like them. I was just that ambitious nerd girl yang selalu mau menang lomba, jadi club president, dan menang lomba. Tapi gue cuma butuh teman kerja kelompok tugas sekolah yang beneran mau kerja dan nggak cuma nebeng nama atau sekedar bikin kata pengantar. I was, I am still, very ambitious to perform the best.

Intinya si A itu nggak cukup untuk bisa dibilang teman yang baik. Ada satu cowok yang nggak suka gue di kelas (since gue nggak pernah mau kasih contekan), dan temen baiknya itu ada yang naksir si A. Kemudian, ketika mereka pacaran, ya udah, gue semacam nggak ada. Si cowok ini bahkan bikin omongan kalau gue itu dilupakan. Ya nggak apa juga sih. But still, I always wonder kenapa orang itu demen banget messed with me, sementara gue acknowledge their existence and importance aja nggak pernah. Kayaknya mereka merasa lebih keren dari gue, tapi mereka nggak sadar kalau gue nggak pernah menganggap mereka keren atau hebat. From the age of 16, I already know mereka nggak akan jadi apa-apa.

Lalu si A ini mulai jengah dengan hubungan pacaran sama si temen grup voli si cowok itu dan mulai semacam 'seek refuge' dengan deketin gue lagi. Selalu pakai gue sebagai alesan untuk menghindari pacarnya. Sampelah si cowok yang nggak suka sama gue itu pernah teriakin si A di kelas, "Eh A, pacar lo tuh di sini, bukan di situ." Di situ itu maksudnya tempat duduk gue. Haha!

Well, ini tuh SMA ya. No wonder ya agak bocah gini permasalahannya. Please note, kalau kalian SMA nggak kayak gini, percayalah dulu angkatan gue childish-nya tingkat dewa. Makanya gue nggak pernah cocok sama satupun dari mereka, since gue dewasanya kecepatan for one and another reason. Or maybe I'm simply a b*tch.

Pernah gue sangat marah dengan si A, B dan C. Kemudian, apa yang dilakukan si A? Dia narik temen gue yang lain, sebut saja V. "Eh lo jangan deket-deket sama Bree, nanti lo nggak bisa lepas."

I was like... am I a 3M-made double tape or something? 

She didn't get the point that she was wrong. Let alone minta maaf.

Another drama with B. She was quite problematic, sering bolos, sering bohong juga. Jujur gue pun bertanya-tanya, apakah gue cukup tidak bisa dipercaya sampai dia harus berbohong sama gue, ataukah dia takut gue ngadu ke guru? Padahal ya, buat yang tau gue... gue sangat cuek dan nggak pernah mau mengadu kebisingan untuk hal-hal pribadi yang gue pun tidak ada di dalamnya.

Sampailah dia bisa marah-marah dan bitter banget sama gue, karena dulu kita dibanding-bandingin sama guru ekonomi yang jahil banget mulutnya. Well, gue sekolah di sekolah kuno, feodal, yang jauh dari progresif, once again, no wonder ya situasinya seperti ini. Gue si anak baik, pendiam, nggak banyak gaya, tapi juara kelas di kelas dewa, lomba sering menang. B si anak sering bolos tanpa alasan jelas selain sakit, ke dokter gigi or anything like it.

The 'best' part adalah kita pernah diajak jalan sama si B. Dia sebetulnya bilang, mantan pacarnya ngajak jalan dan dia minta ditemenin karena sebetulnya dia males banget sama mantan pacarnya itu. Sebagai teman yang baik---why did I always want to be a good person, a good friend, for others without any payback?---gue mengiyakan. Berangkatlah kita berempat, mendadak, tanpa persiapan mau pergi ke mall sepulang sekolah. Please note: mereka tahu kalau orang tua gue kurang fleksibel soal bepergian ke mall, meskipun saat itu kita sudah SMA.

First, the guy was super weird. He looked like coming out from a movie, playing a character of a pervert man, from the 80s. Thick jeans with belt on, checker flannel shirt, and middle parted haircut. Wah sorry banget, pas lihat pertama kali jujur rasanya nggak bisa nggak punya firasat buruk. Eh tapi tenang dulu, kita pulang ke rumah masing-masing dengan aman dan bahagia, walau menyisa rasa aneh.

Jadi intinya kita pergi dengan... kendaraan umum. Cowok itu yang bayarin. Dan tiap mau makan, dia akan berusaha untuk bayarin. Termasuk gue. Ngapain? I'm not your kid, not your sister, nor your date. 

"Kalau mau apa bilang aja ya... nanti aku bayarin," kata dia. 

"Nope, I'm good."

Jujur, saat itu, entah kenapa gue laper mata banget. Setelah jajan, kita lewatin toko action figure. Gue berenti karena mau cari yang gue tunggu-tunggu, sayangnya belom ada. Kemudian, dia deketin gue lagi, nanya, "Eh kamu mau cari apa? Aku bisa cariin."

Beneran, gue nggak suka approach macam gini.

Kemudian, temen gue ini gantian deketin gue untuk bisik-bisik. "Eh lo kalau mau apa, bilang aja, nanti dia yang bayarin. Kan udah ngajak kita jalan, masa dia nggak bayarin kita, enak aja."

Isn't it me accompanying you, girl?

Jujur lagi, sangat tidak nyaman berada di kondisi membingungkan seperti itu. Kemudian, sampailah kita makan di... KFC. Kemudian, temen gue dan si cowok ini lama banget di counter. Gue, si A dan si C itu berbisik kalau kita nggak enak banget kalau dibayarin sama si cowok ini yang kita nggak kenal, walau dia itu temennya si B, mantan pacar tepatnya.

Lalu setelah sekian lama, kita wondering, apa yang membuat mereka stuck. Kita mendekat ke depan.

Long story short, mereka lama mesan makanan di counter karena si cowok ini mencari paket makanan termurah. Gue pun bilang, karena gue habis jajan, gue nggak yakin gue lapar dan bisa makan. Temen gue si A ini pun bilang, "Udah biarin, biarin, biarin dia bayarin kita semua makan."

I don't understand whether she was trying to revenge on their past relationship atau gimana, but I don't like to be in the middle of this.

Akhirnya kita makanlah dengan paket termurah walaupun katanya si cowok itu diam-diam misuh-misuh karena paket segitu buat dia mahal. Buat dia, harga segitu wow sekali. Bukan maksud mau merendahkan, gosh, I can pay for a better package on my own, and not a rice and a piece of chicken wing. My point is... kalau buat lo segini berat, why don't you let me not eat or let me pay myself?

Alhasil, tebakan gue bener. Selain gue sudah makan, gue juga kehilangan appetite dengan kondisi seperti ini. Si cowok ini pun bilang dengan manis, "kamu makan mulu sih tadi, coba abisin dong." Man, tanpa maksud forgeting the fact kalau ada yang kelaparan di dunia ini, I am full and I can't and shouldn't push it more!

Marilah kita loncat dari drama konyol yang membuat gue merasa bak anak kecil sementara mentally gue jauh lebih tua dari teman-teman sekelas gue ini, bahkan termasuk mantan pacarnya temen gue ini.

Kita pun ingin dipulangin baik-baik oleh si cowok itu, dengan kendaraan umum, yang juga ditawar olehnya. Ya Allah, ingin sekali ku stop taksi di lobi dan pulang dengan damai. Tapi temen gue pun megangin tangan gue untuk tetep nunggu sampai proses tawar menawar selesai dan kita pulangnya bareng-bareng.

Pas akhirnya kita pulang, si B ini misuh-misuh ke gue kalau si cowok itu pelit banget dan lain-lain. Girl, you have lost your mind. Pergi sama cowok for the sake of minta dibayarin. Dia agak nggak paham kalau dia berhasil membuat gue macam escort.

Banyak hal-hal yang terjadi di mana mereka betul-betul nggak nganggap gue setara dengan mereka. Yang mana kalau diceritakan, kok konyol sekali ya. Tapi nggak bohong, gue pun sakit hati. How come they could do that, sementara gue nggak bisa melakukan hal yang sama ke orang lain, apalagi ke mereka. 

Mereka itungannya se-genk sama gue, selalu berempat. Tapi diam-diam, mereka selalu ikut ngomongin gue ke anak-anak yang nggak suka sama gue, instead of menjelaskan the truth about me. Ketika gue dibully karena nggak ngasih contekan ke seorang class clown, mereka bela gue? Of course, not. They enjoyed it. 

What's worse? I kept being friends with them until we graduated. Again, mereka pamrih dan jahat sama gue. Gue pun bertahan demi punya teman kerja kelompok, karena dapet tugas kelompok itu macam Thanos---"there's no other way" kalau kata Dr Strange di Infinity War. After graduation, if they're dead, I don't mind.

One thing I can tell you, it was all ugly three years of high school.

Gue banyak banget mengalami pertemanan yang mana dan entah bagaimana gue merasa I feel like being conned. I do my best, but they don't come with a pure reason. Mostly, I'm taken for granted and I give so many second chances. Salah gue adalah diam, bertahan, dan sabar. Memaafkan dan membiarkannya pergi, mengindahkan kalau ada luka yang terbentuk.

Selama sekolah, bulliying bukan hal yang asing. Pembiaran juga bagian sehari-hari, menyaksikan kekonyolan manusia merendahkan dirinya sendiri karena dengan sengaja menggagalkan diri dalam memanusiakan orang lain. I learned it slow, with a few wrong friendships ahead. I learn it the hard way.

Sedikit demi sedikit, inilah kenapa (mungkin) menjadi alasan gue cepat memandang rendah orang lain yang pemikirannya tidak selevel. Now, years gone by, I'm proudly say I'm happy not being in touch with any of them. They're out of my league. 

Menulis ini adalah cara gue mengenali luka yang ada. Sekecil apapun.

Karena tidak ada penyembuhan tanpa memahami luka.