It could be a long one to go through what I have been through in this blogpost. But with this one, this writing, I'd like to share with you about the voices... the silent battle I can't conquer; and how I overcome the situation (with extreme changes through super challenge I make for myself) after years of self-doubts that keeps me from being an achiever I used to be, a countless anxiety attacks, and even series of episodes of dysfunction.


With a series of revelation I gained last year, now I can conclude, the best thing you can be grateful for in life is the supportive energy surrounds you. But it's not a total guarantee that everything will be fine.

I lost count on how many friendly meetups, concerts, weddings and many other important events that I've missed just because I couldn't get up from my bed, feeling confused, rejected, and locking myself in a room with fears inside my head.

The third last anxiety attack even made me rush to the Emergency Room and resulted into nothing.

On that day, I felt like my heart was about to explode, my head felt like pounding. I wanted to scream so bad, but my conscious mind was still intact to forbid me not to because I was still in the office and that would be weird. So, I held it all with a report I was working on.... yes, I kept on working for a few hours. In the middle, I took 5 mins off to the bathroom where all those anxiety could only burst into tears. A stream of tears I tried to hold back so hard, as I didn't want to get out from the bathroom cubicle with swollen eyes from crying.

I used to hold it back.
Hid it inside me until it killed me and died with all of me.

And there were nights where I was awake due to the episodes where it brought out the best and the worst in me. It could be me, having numbers of revelations after crying out loud for the things that had happened and finally able to accept it which gave me certain inspiration and bunch of ideas which all of those kept me awake to work on it. BUT also me, where I spent my nights with nothing: only wasting my time, not resting, not productive either. Yet, with tons of regrets, I kept reminding myself with. Self-blaming. It was like recurring or regular reunions with them. Progress then decline. One episode I can have myself move on, then there comes another episode to drown me back.

However, I think I'm progressing now, but what an 'insane girl' knows anyway?
All I could tell you that it's been ups-and-downs, even though I'm getting there.

It's never been easy, of course. Going through this alone, walking the day through the night every day as if there hasn't been any dust stuffed my lungs from breathing the shit out of my life.

Anyway, I live the day as if I'm ok.

People can (and always) come to me with their problems. Many times even ask for my help to support another people. When people are in trouble, I push myself harder to be awake at 2AM, or attending a meetup where I'm the one who actually ask for it as a form of support.

It finally killed me when I realized that nobody ever did the same. Nobody is there for me, nobody is asking somebody else to give me extra support.

I had my first psychologist visit, after years of not thinking that I might need one + after another few years of looking for the perfect schedule due to my then workload (as I also work on weekends in a few companies in a row in my work history). Those two and because I was not really sure to go, as well. I felt reluctant.

Until it went so severe that I couldn't handle it anymore. I couldn't control myself. Every night, I cried. For nothing and for everything. Believe me, on that phase, I could easily cry, explode with rage and etc. Worst. Blaming myself. Blaming everything.

So yeah, then, I thought, maybe it WAS the time to have a professional help.

It was 1st visit, around October, through a reference from a good friend who has the knowledge and a handful of resources on that matter. Oh well, I can tell you I pushed myself harder in order to make it to that visit. During the worst moment, I also tried to talk through with some people, hoping it would go out and leave, stop flooding my mind and heart with a burden that made me sinking in ugly reality. Somehow, it's not working. I retreated, evaluating how much I have wasted my energy to fear and time in dysfunction state.

The conclusion was... I might need another 3 sessions. But if he could find more clues of what I am dealing with, it might be more.

And what am I having? He says, 'acute depression.'

All the rage, brain fog, endless sleeping (and sometimes insomnia), self-harm, memory loss, more intense ADD, fear, anxiety and paranoid. Those aren't the problems, they are the impacts resulted from an unknown problem. Unknown here could be .... unidentified (yet).

After knowing all this, I was like... what? Ok.
What should I do?

Some suggest me of lowering my target, try to live slower and forget everything. I can't. I have a purpose in life, people whom I need to make proud of myself---and I'm also one of those I refer as 'people'---and drive to get in some point.

It's hard when you have to appear stronger than anyone else, and then you could find people blaming you when you're being on the low side.

It's hard when you have to run, chase the dream, living the life in hurry as you know you don't have much time.

It's hard when you have to do trial and error in order to have the maximum experience of life, but your fate tells you that you can't afford to fail like anyone else.

It's hard when you have to deal with this heart and mind of sinking ship, but you need and want to focus in order to succeed as you dream it. It's hard when you know, people don't have to deal with the same thing, yet do nothing, but achieve more than you do.

It's hard, no matter how hard you try to keep on moving on towards your dream, with everything ugly you have..... I repeat, you are TRYING so damn hard, but people tell you to stop by telling you to be grateful. These people are telling you that you're not grateful enough or pray as much as you're supposed to and ask you to give it all up after everything.

I just want a fair life, a fair start. And it seems like I'm far from it. That's why I'm quitting to think of going back. Coz it won't be the same fight. Coz it won't give me a little better life as I'm fighting this, I might be far behind to get the life I want.

When you spend so much to have yourself recovered from such trouble and pain, then you feel better only just for a while. Whether it's external factors or the broken side inside your head. You'll know afterward, you'll just gonna see the reality and end up stuck in the wrong place all over again. Fighting the misunderstood stream opposite your way, with those silent voices that choke you.

However, my shrink visit DID give me a little difference. I know I have a problem. And it's okay.
It was.... a good start for me or someone like me who is also dealing with silent battles.

This post might be the ugliest writing but I'm telling you I'm trying.
And I'm telling you, honestly, I still do self-harm, but I know a way (for now) to deal with it.
It might help you... with anxiety attacks and depression or not. It helped me. Surprisingly.

Right after this post.

Source: giphy

Yeah, it is expected though. A guy like that (read: a guy who doesn't understand respect) wouldn't understand what upset her. Clearly, he (might) thinks, with his great look and fame, whatever he does as he pleases to women should not be considered as SEXUAL HARASSMENT. Until today, he is safe and sound. No public apology has been made.

There's a common and accepted understanding that if your harasser is handsome/famous/rich/powerful, you should be thankful and flattered. As if it is a given that it should be seen not as a harassment. The culture has been going on this way, making women's claims of harassment in many industries considered just as a meaningless twit. So, if you're not good looking guy, you'd better not even try. Ha!

What else is expected? The society that curses the female victim and acts like the perpetrator is nowhere in sight, like a ghost. Gone. His name is rarely mention. Some people even tried to be 'positive' in understanding why he did it, but failed to be as positive when trying to understand why Via Vallen reposting the post on her IG story. In a nutshell, people stood up for him. Not for her.

In Indo, the comments were like:

• The guy is good looking. It should be okay, right?
• Oh c'mon, it's just a text. Nothing serious. It damages you none!
• What if he's just joking?
• What should you post it? Are you looking for attention?
• Why would you blow it up? Just chill.

Despite the claim she made whether he NEVER met the guy, it doesn't change what he did isn't right.

It is a different story when you both are consented previously to have such things in your relationship (official or not), then your partner come up to you such 'invitation'. In this case, I don't think so. As the guy hasn't made any statement to back himself up in public. Or, maybe he thinks he doesn't as there have been positive feedbacks which people already make for him.

Long story short, what actually happened? What happened is harassment.
Whether he's a prince-charming material or not.
Whether it involves physical or not.
Harassment is abuse and it can be done in many ways. Not just physical, verbal, etc.
Period.

People are like, what if he's just joking? Ok, then, it is an offensive joke!

Jokes are supposed to be funny, but that one in that context is not.

And that's another culture we need to banish in order to create a healthy and gender equal environment. It should be shameful past. People have to stop, from now on.

A few months ago, the country is battling a great debate about the soon-to-be-approved law where the country will imprison a pregnant/rape victim girls who are out of wedlock. The country's logic for this kind of law is put to question. However, this recent issue makes it seemed that logic is out of the question now.

When #metoo campaign is almost a success in the States, girls in Indonesia aren't really standing in for each other. Probably, the concept of harassment is still low. Remember, there are some people think what he said is not offensive, but meaningless, and the girl is blowing out of proportion.

Yet, it is not surprising for the low self-esteem Indo girls have, especially towards foreigners. In basic, they tend to buy silly meaningless romantic gestures, and sadly, they aren't capable of recognizing the equality element they deserve to have---the real sincere loving and respectful gesture.

In my observation and experience within my circles, when it comes to relationships, even further level like in marriage, most of them are willing to be the 'number second' or  accept to concept of being 'the one who needs guidance from the husband', instead of being a real couple where they walk and work together equally. Not as a team, more like a boss and the subordinate, where the guy is number 1, leading you the right way as if he's not ever going wrong. In many cases where he is, the girl will be put to blame, saying it's her job to keep the guy from wrongdoing. Well... some institution and belief need to create a better job description.

This gender concept starts the negative feedback on women's fight for safety, equality and rights as a equal human being who are not in debt to anyone else (not to a man, not to any other individuals, groups or religions) which are.... surprisingly and not so surprisingly... are also coming from fellow women.

So, how do we need such campaign like #metoo? Would it work in Indonesia? My prediction would be... if it fails to make it a 'cool campaign', a lifestyle-driven one, nobody is going to buy it. Sorry to say, Indo are easily going to be on it only when it looks cool, without understanding how and why. It will be like you're selling a product, and no one is going to try it. But, it could be the opposite due to some factors. Who knows.

Why lifestyle-driven? Coz it's the one that speaks the language they can understand.
Got to make that clear.

But what else bothers me more? I wrote this post On Prostitution, On Self-Value, On Our Own Reality when a celebrity was caught for prostitution allegation. Caught in red-handed if I may add. I stood up for her, seeing what she was going through wasn't fair. For this case, she didn't do what I did for her: standing up, not for fellow female creatures, but for fellow human beings seeking equality and justice for all gender, for what we are, for all choices we make.

I just hope that Via Vallen's fame rises more and more for her talent, not the incident, so shall she remember for the whole-packaged courage she has. The fight must go on.

Source: also from giphy